We all know the saying, "You are what you eat." How we spend our calories determines our health. Want to be fat? Eat plenty of fat. When it comes to your marriage, “You are what you do.” How you and your beloved spend your time determines the health of your relationship. Want to feel connected? Spend time together. Do your own thing too often and you may sleep in the same bed, but you'll feel worlds apart.
Disappointment is a much underrated emotion. Left unchecked, it can devolve to disenchantment and down the slippery slope to “I don’t care anymore.” It can even lead to suicidal ideation. Bill and Mary were childless because she was barren. After marrying in their mid-20’s they waited six years, in deference to career development and financial solvency, before trying to become pregnant. On the proud day they became homeowners (it was Bill’s 32nd birthday), they stood dreamily in was to be the nursery. “Shall we paint it pink?” Mary said. “Blue, green or yellow. Let’s get pregnant,” Bill retorted with a loving squeeze. Now, approaching their 12th anniversary, they reported that there was no joy left, no sparks either, nothing to [...]
Sometimes the vow breaks and it’s nobody’s fault, unless you want to blame the victim of Alzheimer’s for contracting the disease. No sane person would do that. Vern and his wife Sandy married at 22, the day both of them graduated college. She worked to put him through grad school and he became a career university professor. The marriage ended nearly 60 years later when Sandy died, leaving Vern and two adult children, five grandchildren, and one great-grandchild. Theirs was a model “great American romance.” Almost. Sandy spent the last two decades of her life battling Alzheimer’s. It was a losing battle, soon requiring full-time in-home care and then, when she almost burned the house down, a pain-filled decision to [...]
Similar beliefs, values, and interests augur towards long, happy marriages. That’s why we worry when someone we know who is a Buddhist, marries a Baptist. But what if they share similar beliefs and values in the beginning, but then one spouse’s faith stance changes and the other spouse’s doesn’t? Jack and Jessie Jones came to a MAKE IT OR BREAK IT retreat because that is exactly what happened to them. Jessie, a devout evangelical Christian who happened to be a school teacher, married Jack, an equally devout evangelical Christian who happened to be an engineer. That was 40 years ago. Several careers and children and grandchildren later she retired. Soon he retired too. Upon retiring, Jack began reading and studying [...]
Mary was a stay-at-home Mom of three little children. Walter, her husband, was a “Type A” entrepreneur for whom a 70+ hour work week was the norm. Because he was making loads of money, Walter decided he wanted a bigger, better house. Mary would gladly have settled for their current house and more Walter. She reported, “When he’s home, he’s not really home. He’s emailing, texting and thinking about business.” Once the architect delivered the plans, Walter hired a general contractor. Mary became the de facto project manager since, observed Walter, “She had plenty of time on her hands.” It turned out that “Joe” the contractor was not only competent but had a tender heart and knew how to listen. Old [...]
When one – either the husband or the wife – leaves their marriage emotionally and spiritually, that marriage becomes just as defunct as if one of the spouses had physically died. At best, the partners live alone together. At worst, the marriage becomes a living hell. Some couples eventually separate but never divorce. Others divorce with rancor and a bitterness that lasts a lifetime. The first morning of a five-day MAKE IT OR BREAK IT retreat, Margie said to Tom, in front of the two of us, “I don’t want to try anymore.” After a minute of uncomfortable silence, Tom replied, “Please let’s not stop the process. Laura and John can help us. If we’re gonna come apart then let’s [...]
For unhappy singles, marriage is always a disappointing experience. Marriage can add to one’s feeling of self-worth if one enters it feeling worth loving in the first place. But the love of a husband or wife cannot make up for the love one failed to get as a child. In fact, before a husband and wife can find satisfaction together they must first understand that they cannot expect to feel happier as a married couple than they did when they were single. Unhappy singles tend to marry other unhappy singles. They soon become unhappy marrieds. Then, when their best efforts fail and their fondest dreams for their marriage are dashed, disappointment takes over. And disappointment is a much underrated emotion. [...]