“It's quite common for people in an unhappy marriage to think that happiness is just on the other side of divorce. It's ironic. When we're single, we'll be happy when we meet someone. Once we're married, we think we'll be happy when we're single.” --Mort Fertel
Whether one is left or does the leaving – or never leaves or is left physically, just emotionally – the breakdown of a relationship in which one has invested much hope and many years is a daunting experience. The fact that it may be financially catastrophic and complicate the raising of children only deepens the emotional loss and accounts for the fact that many people elect to remain in unhappy marriages. Many couples live alone together. – adapted from Gordon Livingston’s “AND NEVER STOP DANCING”
Sometimes the vow breaks and it’s nobody’s fault, unless you want to blame the victim of Alzheimer’s for contracting the disease. No sane person would do that. Vern and his wife Sandy married at 22, the day both of them graduated college. She worked to put him through grad school and he became a career university professor. The marriage ended nearly 60 years later when Sandy died, leaving Vern and two adult children, five grandchildren, and one great-grandchild. Theirs was a model “great American romance.” Almost. Sandy spent the last two decades of her life battling Alzheimer’s. It was a losing battle, soon requiring full-time in-home care and then, when she almost burned the house down, a pain-filled decision to [...]
Mary was a stay-at-home Mom of three little children. Walter, her husband, was a “Type A” entrepreneur for whom a 70+ hour work week was the norm. Because he was making loads of money, Walter decided he wanted a bigger, better house. Mary would gladly have settled for their current house and more Walter. She reported, “When he’s home, he’s not really home. He’s emailing, texting and thinking about business.” Once the architect delivered the plans, Walter hired a general contractor. Mary became the de facto project manager since, observed Walter, “She had plenty of time on her hands.” It turned out that “Joe” the contractor was not only competent but had a tender heart and knew how to listen. Old [...]
When one – either the husband or the wife – leaves their marriage emotionally and spiritually, that marriage becomes just as defunct as if one of the spouses had physically died. At best, the partners live alone together. At worst, the marriage becomes a living hell. Some couples eventually separate but never divorce. Others divorce with rancor and a bitterness that lasts a lifetime. The first morning of a five-day MAKE IT OR BREAK IT retreat, Margie said to Tom, in front of the two of us, “I don’t want to try anymore.” After a minute of uncomfortable silence, Tom replied, “Please let’s not stop the process. Laura and John can help us. If we’re gonna come apart then let’s [...]