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Blog2020-07-13T13:07:48-04:00

Distorted Sense of Self

“Narcissism and paranoia are flip sides of the same distorted sense of self-importance.” -- Sue Grafton in “’P’ is for Peril”

Living Alone Together

Whether one is left or does the leaving – or never leaves or is left physically, just emotionally – the breakdown of a relationship in which one has invested much hope and many years is a daunting experience. The fact that it may be financially catastrophic and complicate the raising of children only deepens the emotional loss and accounts for the fact that many people elect to remain in unhappy marriages. Many couples live alone together. – adapted from Gordon Livingston’s “AND NEVER STOP DANCING”

Have you been ‘fired’ as a marriage partner?

Does the following apply to one’s getting “fired” as a marriage partner?  We think it does: “I’ve heard that no one gets fired without secretly hoping for the liberation, but that sounds like the kind of pronouncement you make before you’ve been given the boot.  Being fired is the pits, ranking right up there with infidelity in its brutalizing effect.  The ego recoils and one’s self-image is punctured like a tire by a nail.  In the weeks since I’d been terminated, I’d gone through all the stages one suffers at the diagnosis of a soon-to-be-fatal disease:  anger, denial, bargaining, drunkenness, foul language, head colds, rude hand gestures, anxiety, and eating disorders of sudden onset.  I’d also entertained a steady stream [...]

Love ends?

“A big lesson about loving someone is coming to understand that when love ends for one person, it ends for both people.  The important part of this is recognizing when it has ended  and not fighting against that.”  --Elizabeth George

You Are What You Do

We all know the saying, "You are what you eat." How we spend our calories determines our health. Want to be fat? Eat plenty of fat. When it comes to your marriage, “You are what you do.” How you and your beloved spend your time determines the health of your relationship. Want to feel connected? Spend time together. Do your own thing too often and you may sleep in the same bed, but you'll feel worlds apart.

When the Vow Breaks, Part V: Childless

Disappointment is a much underrated emotion.  Left unchecked, it can devolve to disenchantment and down the slippery slope to “I don’t care anymore.”  It can even lead to suicidal ideation. Bill and Mary were childless because she was barren.  After marrying in their mid-20’s they waited six years, in deference to career development and financial solvency, before trying to become pregnant.  On the proud day they became homeowners (it was Bill’s 32nd birthday), they stood dreamily in was to be the nursery.  “Shall we paint it pink?” Mary said.  “Blue, green or yellow. Let’s get pregnant,” Bill retorted with a loving squeeze. Now, approaching their 12th anniversary, they reported that there was no joy left, no sparks either, nothing to [...]

When The Vow Breaks, Part IV – She Doesn’t Even Recognize Me.

Sometimes the vow breaks and it’s nobody’s fault, unless you want to blame the victim of Alzheimer’s for contracting the disease. No sane person would do that. Vern and his wife Sandy married at 22, the day both of them graduated college. She worked to put him through grad school and he became a career university professor. The marriage ended nearly 60 years later when Sandy died, leaving Vern and two adult children, five grandchildren, and one great-grandchild. Theirs was a model “great American romance.” Almost. Sandy spent the last two decades of her life battling Alzheimer’s. It was a losing battle, soon requiring full-time in-home care and then, when she almost burned the house down, a pain-filled decision to [...]

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